FW: come on guys - it's time to hug a tree!

Hey guys! 

 

I never send these fwd stories out,  cos it is for like to be a bunch of bogus....BUT, this has to do with our planet and climate change (serious stuff)  

 

So...for once, I am willing to push 'fwd, fwd, send all'...but only this once...

 

Anyhoo.. 

 

 Please log on and vote for the heads of state to pass some serious laws at Copenhagen!

 

http://voteearth.wwf.org.za/save.php

 

Viva la planet!

 

PS: pass onto people you know..and create a chain reaction -  

save the polar bears,  

save electricity, 

save our planet! 

 

Phew...that is way too deep for a Monday morning...but I HAD TO! 

The monster inside

..Ok, once a month, when the moon is full..I turn into she-wolf

BUT...it seems that people are at their most stupid at this time of month! And that makes me so aggresive!

Get this, I tell someone to make our invoice smaller, cos we can't pay amounts over R100 000. He then says - no problem, can I give you two invoices for R159 877.00?
NOOOOOO, IT NEEDS TO BE LESS THAN R100 000.00

Lyric from the Coca Cola song

Smiling so hard, my mouth is like a CAPITAL 'U'

...cute!

Meet the village idiot

I share our living space with a complete idiot...(this idiot is obviously not Clinton)

Some reasons why I believe he is the village idiot:

Mistaken uses for things

• Using a couch as a clothes cupboard
• Using a couch as a bed for your weird, sweaty, shirtless friends..in SUMMER, without sheets!
• Using the shower as a towel rack
• Using the bathroom as the place to plug in electrical appliances (Can you say fire hazard??)
• Using the floor as a plate (well, it looked like it the one day)

Pushing the sound barrier

• Having a selection of the MOST annoying ring tones and SMS alerts...seriously! (who needs peace and quiet?)
• Not switching your alarm off on weekends, meaning we get woken up at the crack of 05:30 each Saturday / Sunday - to the BEEP BEEP BEEP sound (who needs to sleep in on weekends?)
• Putting the TV volume so high that I can share the TV experience, from my bedroom (who needs 2 TV's)

Not being self sufficient, at the ripe age of 24

• Not having your own bank account at the age of 24. Instead, your mommy handles your finances
• Having your mommy phone at odd hours of the morning, to find out where you are and what you are doing
• Relying on your best friend to move YOUR stuff into the flat
• Not being able to organise a lift to the airport on your own

Bad Personal Hygiene

• Having a dettol container that is BROWN and smells like something dead and rotting
• Putting your hairbrush on the TOILET
• Serving your date mouldy bread to eat, hmmmm, yum yum

Random things that just make no sense:

• Having 3 toothbrushes and 4 half-finished toothpaste tubes for just ONE person
• Faking a qualification

Being attracted to shiny things:

• The first time he brought a girl over, there was this shiny glitter stuff all over the house ( I actually still found one of these glitter things, the other day, 5 months later) And now, I assume it is a new girl, there is AGAIN shiny glittery stuff everywhere. (proof that he is attracted to shiny things)

Decor

• An earth globe in a clear perspex cube - displayed on the TV Cabinet in our lounge
• A fake gold coin in a clear perspex cube - displayed on the TV Cabinet in our lounge
• A Tequila mat (that he stole out of a bar) - displayed on the TV cabinet in our lounge
• Coasters with alcoholic logo's (which again, was stolen out of a bar) - displayed on the TV Cabinet in our lounge
• A remote control car - displayed on the TV cabinet in our lounge
• A Strobe light - DISCO, DISCO! - Displayed next to the TV cabinet in our lounge

LAME JOKES

Hulle sê jy moet iets oud skool to bring, jy bring jou ouma.... Jy's a veld ninja, jy gooi black jacks. Jy's so maar, your striped pyjamas only got 1 stripe. - Jy't min hare, jy dra jou skulfers in jou sak. Klein ore, ons almal hoor hallo, jy hoor hallokie. Jy's so lelik, nie eens Ripleys wil dit glo nie Jou ouma is so oud as sy hoes dan kom daar stof uit haar mond. Jou hand is so skirf, as jy hande clap, slat iets vlam jy's so oud as jy poep is jy uit asem uit JULLE POTTE IS SO DIEP JOU MA KOOK MET 'N VERKYKER JOU TANDE IS SO SKEEF JY KAN N APPEL DEUR N TENNIS REKKET KOU. JY IS SO SKEEL AS JY HUIL DAN VAL JOU TRANE OP JOU RUG. Jou tande is soos die sterre......nie so shiny nie, so ver uit mekaar. Jy's so kort hulle roep jou stompie Jou lippe is so dik ... jy gebruik speed stick vir lip ice Jou kop is dan so klein if you pierce your ears den you somma dead.... You den so poor they can't evens kills de cockroaches because they den pay half de rent..... You den so poor he go to KFC to lick other people's fingers You den so black you go to night school they somma mark you absent... Hy is so lelik hy gaan in by die house of horrors hy kom uit met 'n application form JOU MA SE CURRY IS SO STERK, DIT TEL DIE POT OP!!! NOTE: This e-mail message is subject to the MTN Group disclaimer see http://www.mtn.co.za/SUPPORT/LEGAL/Pages/EmailDisclaimer.aspx

My first

..so I received my first radio dedication this morning.

Thank you pookie for dedicating the Killers song to me! Can't wait to see them in Dec! ;-)

Get to the point!

I dislike it when people are long winded...Get to the point, use 10 words or less...

Can you imagine what these people are like in charades? 15 letter SENTENCE, sounds like...

today is 09/09/09 -- oooh

R.I.P

Our biggest bottom feeder died last night...he was very old though and too big to flush (Yuck)

R.I.P Otto :-(

AAAAAAAAA

I am becoming territorial..

If you go into our meeting room and eat the sweets I painstakingly bought from Makro and I tell you NOT to, and you STILL pop it in your mouth. I get annoyed!

Cold sore

I hate these cold sores I get!

It is red and crusty and disgusting! And there is nothing I can do about it. It is pointless trying to cover it with base...

I bet you I will get one of these before my wedding..then the wedding is POSTPONED

GAG

Certain smells remind you of certain things...

Dettol reminds me of festering sores, purging and hospitals...

Sooo, when I visit my bathroom and a mini-Dettol bottle greets me with its' vile smell, I get a gag reflex. IMMEDIATELY.And when I inspect the bottle, and instead of the 'cheery' orange I am met with a brown...it makes me GAG even more

Personal Hygiene, how many more times must I say it?

one- year anniversary

It was our 1-year anniversary yesterday!

one- year anniversary

It was our 1-year anniversary yesterday!

:-(

I have been sick for 3 days, watching Smallville at home...
I wish people can keep their germs to themselves!

the things people say..

I was told that a venue is terrible, cos there is the same food every day. BUT this particular venue serves a buffet. In other words: if you choose the SAME thing every day, you will EAT the same thing every day!

the average person swallows 8 spiders a year..

I dreamt someone was pressing down on my throat and neck.

I woke up with a terrible cough - like something was stuck in my throat...

Hope I didn't swallow a bloody spider!

More birthday pics

Nicole's Birthday

Survivor Sandton, 3rd floor

The diet is going surprisingly well, yesterday I survived on only a handful of nuts for lunch.

Surviving, hmmmm...

Maybe I should take it to another level and pretend I am on Survivor. I will play some tropical music, wear the same outift for 39 days, and do personal video close up's of my adventures in the urban jungle. Have a camera crew follow me around the building...I will then survive only off our tea lady's brews and fruit from Woolworths

More than just checking out items at the till

Just remembered - I also got chatted up by an old ballie at Woolworths.

He saw I was looking for the expiry dates on bread, and proceeded to educate me. (they are now printed on those white plastic things)

He then spoke of the length of the queues, bla bla bla bla bla something something

Walking out the shop, we happened to park in the same bay (coincidence?) and he jokingly points out that he was not following me..

WTF - do men in Sandton expect a ready-made-wife in the bread isle? Instead of only checking out your grocery items, you check out your future wife? That adds a whole new meaning to the word shopping!

Something you should have learnt in Grade 1 & 2

• To not read out loud. Honestly, in a Tertiary level - degree exam hall, you expect the people to not read all the questions out loud

Only in Sandton

I decide to venture out to the shops for lunch. Now this is something I have only done for the third time since I started the new job.

Waiting at the robot, we are stuck in the usual bumper to bumper traffic. I feel a thud behind me....the idiot behind me drove into me. My first reaction is to stop dead, so the guy speeds past and cuts in front of me!

I madly race after him and take down his registration number, thinking to myself : I am going to NAIL you, you ****

I then make it to the shops, plotting my revenge in the Pick n Pay queue, when this dude gives me a shuttle service brochure. He asks about what I do for a living, where I work, etc etc. Then out of nowhere - do I go to Virgin Activ, cos I have a nice shape. Um, dude..seriously?

From now on, I am bringing lunch from home!

Hartebeespoort dam

Some of the more beautiful places in Gauteng...

Congratulations to the Stam family

Charlize Stam was born last week...I cannot wait to meet her!

May her days be filled with all the Magic life has to offer!

tough week

Inbetween panic attacks, nose bleeds, a bad reaction to cortisone, fevers...I had a really tough week!

:-(

Michelle and co.

blast from the past

From when I still painted. My slogan was 'It's all just colour anyway.'

Anybody else feel like turning GAY?

Turns out another guy who crushed on me in high school is now GAY!

Which leaves only one other person who crushed on me, whose sexual orientation I am unsure of. (besides Clinton, who is of course NOT gay) So I feel compelled to investigate this one other guy from PSHS's sexual orientation...I will let you know!

You have to ask yourself, did I turn them gay, or was I the most likely cover up for an insecure gay teenage boy?

Did I do them a favour or injustice?

Personal Hygiene...am I repeating myself?

As if the shavings in the shower wasn't enough...

Here I am, innocently applying make up at the basins, when I spot a chick with pink and beige facecloths, rinsing them with her green cracked soap bar.

Wait a minute...how many BEIGE SILKY facecloths does one get? Not many. Which led me to believe that it indeed was not what I thought it was.

Being curious of nature, and utterly repulsed by the previous public hygiene incident...I investigate, trying not to make it too obvious.

AH HA! UNDERWEAR! The chick is WASHING her UNDERWEAR in the public basin!

WTF?

I am finding it hard to go to gym in the mornings, I wonder why?

Madagscar 2

Looking for a good laugh? Madagascar 2 is worth it!

Especially cool is the scene where the penguins ambush tourists to take their trucks from them...wicked!

traffic

You know when the robot is green, but there is not enough space for you to fully cross over the intersection, because the traffic is so backed up?

Well I was in that situation, and then someone who was also TURNING into the lane (I was going straight, so I had right of way) tried to cut me off!

I gave him my best does-your-momma-know-you-cut-people-off-in-traffic look and shook my head. He stopped dead in his tracks and let me form part of the line of cars ahead.

Dam straight!

fishies

We are now the proud 'parents' of 5 tropical fish...

e-greek-e

On the radio the other day, I heard about the CNA's** Greek posters for voting campaigns.

Wackhead wanted to test the theory and got somebody who speaks Greek to phone the party.
And of course, even though they print in Greek, nobody spoke the language

**Names have been changed for protection reasons

personal hygiene people, say it with me...

The problem is that you only notice it when it is too late.

So there you are, naked in a public shower, and with a curious mind, inspecting the black stuff that is lying in the corner.

And then it hits you, with a head full of shampoo and eye full of soap..what that stuff in the corner is.

HAIR! Not only did someone shave in the public shower, they shaved body parts which are not legs or underarms!

WTF!

And there I was, gagging in the shower, ready to lose my breakfast

Baby boom

The Baby Boom did not leave the Swart family. My 38 year old sister is expecting, and will be having a child in Aug / Sep this year...

e-Voting day

one small step for San, one giant leap for SA..

Tomorrow will be the first time I exercise my democratic right of voting...

X X X

Clinton and me at the silver function

Facebook status?

San-Mari is..running on empty

Moulin Rouge

I love LOVE love this movie, I watched it again today.

And I still cry in all the appropriate places...

Going nowhere slowly

I have come to realise that if I don't change my perspective on life...I will wake up 30 years from now, and think - what a waste it's been.

Where were the kodak moments (except for those on my blog of course) ?

Where were the a-ha instances?

Did I realise my full potential (whatever that may be)?

and most importantly, was I having fun?

6 years - and I HAVE HAD IT

I really had it with flat mates...

The last encounter I had, was once again not a pleasant one. This is what I had to endure...

- Shaven leg hairs in the bath
- People digging in my cupboard for my beauty products
- Skidmarks
- Food being finished, and the EMPTY container being placed back in the fridge
- Food being stolen
- Smoking inside my house
- Maggots in the bin
- Half finished coffee cups with dead bugs floating inside them
- An unbearable dead / vrot feet smell

Then of course, there was the couple. Who asked me to come and fetch THEIR grocery packets out of their car! Oh yes, and I was not allowed friends sleeping over. Um, hello? I am old enough, pretty please?

Before that, was the scaly ****. Who changed jobs - to a job that does not pay a salary.
And then of course, she starts sourcing replacement flat mates...how sweet? Yeah, but she tries to sell them off as her best mates, meanwhile she doesn't know them from a bar of soap. She had a frikking advert running for our place - and I was none the wiser. Lucky for me, I found out by pure accident. Then she tried to stick me with the full month's rent, she got one hell of a shock!

Before that, I was also in maggot / fly in coffee haven.

And before that, I had a 3 month stint with a mommy's-girl, who thought she could cut the apron strings. And then realised, oops, she couldn't. Which left me out on my arse once again.

And taking us right back to the start of this lovely house sharing business, was the psycho. She had actually been in a loony bin (no exaggerations here). And it was apparent in the fact that she had done everything there is to do in life (at the ripe old age of 23) There was nothing she had not done. Been a member of the Scorpions special police force, travelled along the Botswana border, you name it..

I can say, without a doubt, that I AM OVER LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE (besides Clinton of course, him and I understand each other)

More on CTN

Who puts marble on a window sill? Apparently City Lodge CTN does!

More of table mountain

Cosmotology

These cosmotologists sound like something out of NASA.

But,

Alas, this aint rocket science. It's a fancy word for chicks who pluck eyebrows and do make-up

This would make the coolest invitation...

Superhero's de-mystified

Have you ever noticed that not one single Superhero has parents...

Batman - his parents got killed after a theatre show
Superman - Krypton exploded
Dare devil - his dad got killed in an alley-way
Ghost Rider - His dad died in a bike accident
Spiderman - I don't know what happened to his parents, bottom-line, he was living with his gran and grandpa

Can you name me a superhero who still has parents?
Nope, didn't think so...

In case you were wondering

...in case you were wondering where I was for my B-day...ta da~ here it is - I was in CTN @ Maestro's on the beach

say it with me - AWESOME!!

Cape Town

So, here I am, with my notebook and a backdrop of table mountain...aaah, bliss...

I will be posting pics soon!

Horrible dream

Last night I dreamt that I was in a black marble room and that the walls were closing in on me.

Then, I woke up, and the hotel room was pitch black, so I thought I really was in that marble room.

I ran around the hotel room, looking for a way out, and my heart was RACING, it felt like I was having a heart attack and my ears were ringing...

Then, reality eventually struck...

what I have undergone the past few days

Monday last week:
In the evening I have two panic attacks, which results in a total of 4 hours sleep
06:30 mid-morning traffic...need I say more?
Get access cards and a staff number. On my access card my hair is yellow and my eyebrows look like yellow werewolf eyebrows..it looks like I have not plucked a day in my life

Tuesday last week:
I can't dial out...the lady who worked here before, left little cryptic clues, which I can't figure out.
Eventually someone from a different floor and a different department brings a book with more cryptic numbers and words, and what do you know, the PHONE code..

Wednesday morning at 04.00: flight to CTN (and it is also my birthday incidentally)
I miss the valet parking section and drive out to PTA...turn back and make it in time, JUST in time
Whole day - I am on heels and carrying a heavy laptop bag, which is missing a strap..hand in my notebook to get formatted
Have a late dinner...in Milnerton, beautiful view of the beach and little yachts on the water

Thursday morning:
Still in CTN, PC got formatted and I now have a strap for the laptop bag.
I notice blood blisters on my shoulders from carrying the laptop.
I can't walk anymore, the building where we are based houses 7000 people and these heels aren't made for walking. I try and sit as much as possible, which is close to impossible when the purpose of this trip is to walk over the place, meeting and greeting people.
In the evening, we fly back to Jozi, I am dead! Just want to go home. And then, of course, I get lost. I take an hour detour, break down and cry a little.

Friday:
Put in petrol, which means I now have to face twice the amount of traffic, due to the time factor. I reach Grayston drive (an hour later than I usually would) and my car doesn't want to do more thank 20km's and it refuses to switch gears.
Get a stack of work to do, finally! :-)
I get to spend the evening with my lovely boyfriend, we run around shopping for the Mexican themed birthday party.

Saturday:
We spend the whole day on our feet preparing for the birthday party, my honey bunny went through a LOT of trouble. He was the MASTER chef
In the evening we go out dancing
I throw up from the punch, but man it was good punch

Sunday:
Slightly hung over, but the throwing up definately helped..I will recover by lunchtime.
We spend the day chilling with Clinton's friend

Monday:
I print meeting packs for the conference in Cape Town. One problem, my printer does not work (in spite it being set up on the Friday)
B&W Printer works, but the colour one does not work
I end up working until 22:30 finishing the meeting packs, only go to bed at 12:30. My honey bunny came to bring food to me..he is so sweet

Tuesday:
Fly to CTN, realise I missed one page of printing for the meeting packs, CRAP
work until 20:45, go for dinner and one guy has an allergic reaction to seafood. We rush off to the 24hr chemist. I go to bed at 12:30

Wednesday:
I go food and gift shopping, I am driving around in a VITO BUS..people swear at me, cos they assume I am a taxi driver. Fellow taxi driver hoot and wave at me, cos I am a comrade.
I get lost on the way back, try to follow Table Mountain. No luck. I stop off at a friendly Capie, and he drives to where I need to be and I follow him.
Go out to dinner, bed at 12:00

Thursday:
I just want to check into my room to freshen up a bit. My key card doesn't work. I go to the reception, they say I have checked out, cos I flew to JHB. I say: then how the heck can I be standing right here? They put all my luggage in the reception...I sort it out and get a room upgrade

 

so peeps - this will be the last time I will be e-mailing you from this PC!

 

I am waving Elite Goodbye - after a long run..well my longest at one Company to date!

 

:-)

 

 

 

It's starting again...

something is changing - and it is got nothing to do with me starting a new job...

 

 

surf's up

My favourite scene from the movie:

 

It's when the sea urchin is being interviewed after the penguin steps on him...

 

He says:

 

"Stepped on me? Stepped on me?!! He was frigging DANCING ON ME! Look at this: BROKEN, BROKEN, GONE, GONE BROKEN!"

 

(whilst pointing at his spikes)

 

It cracks me up

 

 

 

I found the themesong to my life the other day - but now I can't remember

 

 

traditional female roles = back breaking work

Last night, I got home at about 17:15, here follows the chain of events:

- washed dishes
- made dinner
- ironed
- did washing (machine and handwash)
- sewed on buttons on a top and sewed beads onto another

and after all this, it was 22:15! HTF? Jeepers! And I was tired, my back was aching...it took forever to do these things!

 

 

Totsiens - Farewell - Hamba Kahle Elite

To all the ladies at Elite,

 

My final day has arrived and I feel it befitting to say a few words :) 

 

Ahem...

 

The first question most of you have is 'why?' I can assure you, it has not been due to poor performance from my side (my figures will speak for themselves) So, alas, if I am not getting the proverbial boot, then why leave?

 

The reason is, that my passion lies within creative roles and at present, I am not being true to myself and my true calling. I must sound like an Oprah episode, but believe me, it's from the heart.

 

So, to get back to my 'true calling', I will be moving into a role which I am qualified to do (in more ways than one) even if it is a few years later!

 

The recruitment industry has it's up's and down's (but no need to tell you that) And I can say that I have taken many positive things out of my experiences during the past two years. I have learnt to stand up for myself, I learnt a lot about people, I worked with some of the best in the industry and made a few good friends along the way.

 

But, of course, a mutually beneficial relationship is a healthy one, and I can happily say that I have left a 'little bit of San' behind. It may be something simple, something you don't even notice. Such as the directions you send to candidates for client interviews (yes, those were set up by yours truelly)

 

Lastly, I would like to leave you with some wise words:

 

Reach for the sky - you may not always reach it, but when you fall, you will always fall among the stars! (A great place to be in my book)

 

Warmest regards and well wishes for 2000-and-devine (2009) !

 

San

 

two more days before I start my new job..hooray...

Ha ha - how is my horoscope today? how TRUE!

Your Horoscope Today

Doing the work you're currently involved may go against a part of your morals today. Try to figure out how things got to this and whether you can live with it if it is only a temporary situation.

 

1 week until I turn 24

 

 

The distance to heaven is about the ATTITUDE and not the ALTITUDE

 

and just cos it's raining today

RAIN GEAR

Galoshes
Footwear that keeps water out also keeps it in. That's a simple fact. So if you're really careful, galoshes can keep your socks dry. If you're not really careful, though, they quickly become Lipton Cup O' Foot Soup. I am rarely really careful, so I don't bother with galoshes. My socks may be wet, but at least there's flow-through. C

Ponchos
It's the simple things that make life so grand. Things like sticking your head through a hole. Ponchos are nice that way. They're also nice because they're generally big enough to protect any backpacks, purses, pages, PDAs, leathermen, or South American clinging primates you might be carrying on you. And if you're as tall as I am they can be used as a Slip 'N' Slide in the summer months. B+

Umbrellas
These are so nice and playful and fun and enjoyable that I'm willing to overlook the fact that they don't work worth driveway gravel. Unless you come from the Magical Land of Entirely Vertical Precipitation, your entire lower body is going to get soaked by any stroll longer than from the car to the coffee shop. But more effective rain protection rarely comes in the shape of a happy frog head, so it's a trade-off. B

Rain Hats
I don't see enough of these. Why aren't people wearing rain hats? About the only people I ever see in rain hats are kids in Kodak commercials and Christopher Robin. Maybe I need to live someplace rainier. Or someplace where people are more casual about putting yellow rubber things on their heads. Either way. C+

Rain Suit
The really good rain suits are the transparent ones, because you can put them on and pretend to be ribbed for her pleasure. Alternatively, if you're wearing a nice suit you can pretend that you sent your whole body to the dry cleaners and just got it back. Both of which are more fun than admitting you're just a wet dork in a plastic sheath. D+

more on this ratings dude - he really is a great writer

 

COLD AND FLU REMEDIES

Lozenges
I enjoy the lozenge. I consider lozenge-sucking one of the few good aspects of a sinus-swelling throat infection. I suck them down like considerably less-jolly Jolly Ranchers. I made the mistake of looking at the ingredient list once, though. It said "ACTIVE INGREDIENT: PECTIN." Pectin? How is pectin an active ingredient in the war against throat pain? I think they just put that in there because "ACTIVE INGREDIENT: YOUR OWN SALIVA, ACTUALLY" isn't going to sell a lot of cough drops. A+

Chicken Soup
Every flu season magazines and newspapers love to run articles about how chicken soup really is good for a cold, just like they say. One doctor says that cooked chicken releases anti-respiratory medication, another says that soup inhibits inflammatory white blood cells, and so forth. That's all fine and good, but if someone tries to present me with scientific proof that Chicken Soup for the Soul actually is good for your soul, I'm leaving the planet. B

Vicks Vapo-Rub
I remember this being very soothing as a child, but I've never been able to actually work up the will to spread menthol goo on my own chest as an adult. Lying on my back with globs of jelly in my chest hair would just make me feel like somebody's fetish. Plus, and this is the kicker, it makes me smell like some sort of monstrous irradiated eucalyptus tree. None for me, thanks. C-

Cough Syrup
You'll note that the ultimate low point for booze is tasting like cough syrup. If the alcohol in question is coming out of a shatter-proof plastic jug, chances are someone will point out the similarity to it and Robitussin. Given that I'm not the biggest fan of cheap booze, the ideal abstraction of cheap booze isn't going to appeal to me either, cough or no cough. D+

Echinacea
Blech blech blech. Talk about the cure being worse than the disease. If I were to catch an illness that made the taste of echinacea ooze down my throat every thirty minutes, I'd be pounding on the triage counter at the emergency room demanding satisfaction faster than you can say "FDA approval." Luckily Big Medicine is catching on to this and releasing items with the echinacea flavor heavily masked. If they come out with children's chewable echinacea I might give it a try. D

These are so good!

 

STAR WARS LEGO FIGURES

	Darth Vader There's something adorably intense about a bite-size Darth Vader. The folks at Lego have done a wonderful job of translating Vader into the Dinky Lord of the Plastic Sith, including a pseudo-cloth cape and a mask that removes to reveal: scarred-up old pasty guy regretful Anakin face! Looking impressively scarred, pasty and regretful, I might add. A+
	Forest Troopers I want Lego Stormtroopers! I want a bucketful of Lego Stormtroopers that I can toss to children from a parade float! I want to line them up and bowl Pokéballs at them! But there are none! What do I get instead? Stinkin' Endor Forest Troopers on their stinkin' speeder bikes! They're reasonably decent interpretations, yes, but who wants a decent interpretation of someone who can get beaten up by an Ewok? C-
	Biggs Hey, it's Biggs! Biggs Darklighter! With his little mustache and helmet, looking for all the world like a doomed member of some intergalactic version of the Village People! Biggs has gotten pretty screwed on the action figure front, so it's nice to see him get his moment in the sun, even if he has to do it with no nose. A
	Boba Fett Star Wars fans! At long last you can unmask Boba Fett! That's right, his helmet is removable, showing his true face: nothing! That's right, Boba Fett's true visage is a featureless jet black cylinder! Aaaaaagh! Frightening! Yet lame! If Fett gets unmasked in the prequels, Lego better be sending me a replacement head pronto! B+
	Frozen Han This isn't technically a figure, but rather a plank with an amusingly pathetic image of Han sporting an expression that doesn't so much say "the agony of being frozen alive" as "ate a dozen pickled eggs on a bar bet." I recognize the limitations of the medium, but it would have been nice if it had at least had little silvery Lego hands extending out. Then you could put stuff in them and play "Jabba turns Han into a decorative plant holder." D
	Tattooine Luke I like this. I like his plastic removable 'do that captures the artificially full-bodied look that characterized the hairstyle everyone named "Luke" had in the seventies. I like the determined look on his face that says "I may not have knees or individual fingers, but I am going to rescue the galaxy from evil nonetheless." I like the careful and not altogether unsuccessful attempt to recreate his frumpy desert clothes. It's just a class act all around. A

they just keep coming

GOOD LUCK CHARMS

Horseshoe
Sure, why not. There's probably some goddess-crescent connection here, and if there isn't I'm sure there are plenty of liberal arts undergrads willing to make one up. My favorite part is how you're supposed to keep your lucky horseshoe's ends up "to keep the luck from pouring out." Because you don't want to have a doorstep covered in luck which will enter the sewage system during the next rain and drain to the ocean, resulting in unnaturally fortunate salmon. The resulting devastating impact on the ecosystem is easy to envision. So watch it. B

Rabbit Foot
Yeah yeah, it wasn't lucky for the rabbit, we've all heard that one about a million times, and the only reason I even mention it is to avoid mail "reminding" me of this "oversight." Even so, I find rabbit's feet a little gruesome to pin my personal fortunes to. I don't want to be put in the position of saying "I owe all my success and acclaim to this dismembered mammal limb I keep with me." D

Shooting Star
That's right, an isolated chunk of interstellar grit traversed uncounted miles of cold space, then fell into the sea of our atmosphere and died in a slashing trail of flame so that you could wish for a new set of speakers for your Chevy Tahoe. I mean, astrology also assumes heavenly objects determine whether it's a good time to buy a new shirt, but at least astrology doesn't require Venus to crash into the earth for to do so. On the other hand, shooting stars are pretty. A-

Lucky Penny
"FInd a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck." Does this apply to convenience store penny trays? You possess the penny for an instant before handing it to the clerk, don't you? You found it, you picked it up. My God, this could revolutionize the science of random prosperity. It could take its place among other examples of modern luck-generation innovations like the steam-powered wishing well and Rainbow Brite. C+

Four-Leaf Clover
I imagine most good luck charms have an annoying song associated with them if you look hard enough (e.g. "Lucky Star") but this one is just out of control. I don't know if it was the traditional Sing Along with Mitch version or the gory schoolyard parody that made it impossible for me to consider clover of any variety -- even clover honey -- without hearing "...that I overlooked beFORE!" echoing insanely through my head, but I don't like it. C-

http://www.bookofratings.com/icecreamtreats.html

 

 

 

ha ha ha

ICE CREAM NOVELTIES

	Ice Cream on a Stick Everything's better on a stick. Everything! The only foodstuffs that aren't improved by impalement are those that thanks to a cruel twist of surface tension can't be put on a stick, like barbecue sauce and Irish cream. Sure, with Eskimo Pies and their ilk the chocolate shell comes off at the slightest provocation, but that's part of the fun! It's on a stick! A+
	Ice Cream Sandwiches By this I mean the rectangular type with nondescript chocolate "bread" on either side. These are fun, even though the chocolate material clings to your fingers with a ferocity rarely seen outside of the orange crap on Chee-Tos. The major selling point is in the Neapolitan version though, where you can learn a lot about yourself from whether you eat the strawberry, chocolate or vanilla third first, or eat all three at once in some misguided attempt at egalitarian chorfing. I don't know exactly what you learn, but I'm sure it's significant. B
	Ice Cream Cookie Sandwiches A completely different wad of dairy than rectangular ice cream sandwiches, these are such a great idea that I find it difficult to believe the Romans conquered the better part of Europe without them. Ice cream. Cookies. Sometimes chocolate. I'm tempted to run a stick through them just so that I can know true novelty nirvana. A
	Little Ice Cream "Sundae" Tubs You know, there are always people who have a damp and subdued sense of fun. These are the people who sit on the stationary horses on the carousel. The people who consider pear halves to be dessert. The people who always eat pizza with a fork and knife. These are also the people who, when given a choice from the ice cream novelties bin at the local nacho-dispensing convenience chain store, pick the little bitty tubs of ice cream with strawberry stripes and a flat wooden spoon. I don't get them. D-
	Ice Cream Cones I am of course talking about the preassembled cones here. In particular, the ones where the ice cream continues the cone shape even beyond the actual cone. I like those. I mean, the cone is generally stale and almost chewy, the ice cream second rate, they're often called "Drumsticks" which isn't appetizing for a dessert no matter how you interpret it, and half the peanuts fall off and cower in the bag, but they've got a certain marginally symmetrical charm. C+

ba ha ha

 

Time
The interesting thing about these reasonably tasty vegetable snacks, aside from the fact that they're named after a fundamental property of the universe, is that they come with a red packet of something. I should have known this, as the package features a small cartoon red packet of something with Mickey Mouse gloves, but it still came as a surprise. I am now going to open the packet to see what it is. Wish me luck. [Opens packet.] It's ketchup. that weirds me out. B-

Mammos Pop Snack
These are rice cakes. Just like mother used to buy at the health food store. There's really not much to say about rice cakes, so I'm going to have to resort to making fun of the stilted English on the package.

"Man protects nature and nature protects man. Please put the useless wrapper in the trash con."

"Please avoid direct light or the moistured place how ever select the clean place to store."

"The 'POP' Snack is so servieeable to children's snack because of its softness and taste popped from the main ingredient of the snack rice."

"By chance when you can change them at business offices or nearby stores where you had pur chsed them."

"Let's establish health society by abolishing inferior food."

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start establishing health society even as we speak. C-

it just gets better!

Tennis Shoes
The airsoles and the flashing lights and the celebrity endorsements are what get all the attention, but what impresses me most about them is the vast improvements in tread design we've seen over the past couple of decades. Tennis shoe treads now incorporate all sorts of freaky expressionist art. If only the waffle iron makers had the courage to follow suit. B

Flip-Flops
Also known as zories, wedgies, jellies, thongs and Jerusalem crickets, these have the advantage that they're easy to slip on your feet on the way to the beach, and the disadvantage that they're designed only for walking in one direction at a moderate pace. Try and pull of a mambo in these things and they'll be called "soaring projectiles." B-

Platform Shoes
At six-foot-four I'd no sooner wear platform shoes than an artificial nose extension, but if you want to give it a shot, go for it. Then you can see what it's like to bump your head in airplane bathrooms and on hanging decorations in festive Mexican restaurants. Then you can see what it's like to have everyone assume that if there's something on the top of the fridge that needs reaching, you're the one who's going to do it. Then you can see what it's like to never be protected by crowds from viewing street performance. C-

Fuzzy Slippers
Fuzzy slippers and terrycloth bathrobes are the little things that make it possible to survive the long walk from the bedroom to the coffee machine. And if they're in the shape of some sort of animal or animal part, so much the better. There's nothing like putting your foot in a rabbit to start the day off right. A

ha ha

 

INSECTS

Potato Bugs
"Fouler insect never swarmed or flew, nor creepy toad was gross as 'tato bug. Remove the cursed thing before I freak." -- Wm. Shakespeare, Betty and Veronica, Act 1, Scene 23. I can't even go into how nightmarish these vile little affronts to decency and aesthetics are. If I were having an Indiana Jones-style adventure, the Nazis would lock me in a crypt with a herd of potato bugs. And, I might add, I'd choke myself to death with my own whip right then and there rather than let a single evil little one of them touch my still-living body. They're still better than Scrappy-Doo, though. D-

Ladybugs
Now this is what I like in an insect. Brightly colored and small with no stingers or noxious substance glands or pinchers or high-pitched whining in the middle of the night or hideous claws dripping with the congealed blood of innocents or unfortunate interest in ceramic collectibles. And it has a nice little rhyme. A

Stick Insects
I like the idea of an insect that looks like something other than an insect. I think we should expand on the idea and encourage, through prayer and/or genetic tampering -- the development of cigarette butt insects, 9-volt battery insects, and ethernet card insects. Or at least a Pixy Stick insect. As long as they're either locked in zoos and laboratories or native to someplace I'm not going. B-

Fleas
Our society has an odd relationship with the concept of the flea. We make them into cartoon characters, subject them to scanning microscopy, and name our rock stars after them. They're easily our favorite bloodsucking, plague-spreading parasite, and yet we spend massive amounts of money to keep them the hell off our cats. There's a lesson here about the American approach to celebrity, but I haven't had breakfast yet so I'm not going to pursue it. C-

No-See-Ums
Sure they're swarming biting pests, but they have a neat name. It sounds like a type of candy. "I'll have a pack of Razzles, some Jolly Ranchers, and a whole handful of No-See-Ums." They're also called punkies. A Circle K candy aisle filled with Punkies, No-See-Ums and, say, Chiggers sounds delicious indeed. C+

ha ha - this writing is real good

 

STREET NAMES

Circle
I like "circle," because it provides actual information. You're not going to say to yourself, "Maybe if I just follow Van Buren Circle I'll get to the freeway." I would like to apply this principle to other street names, giving us "Harding Road That Winds Around a Lot Then Comes to an Abrupt End at the Cannery," and "Coolidge Speed-Bump-Infested Road That You're Going to Have to Go Down at Fifteen Miles an Hour Because the Residents Got Tired of High-Schoolers Laying Rubber at Three in the Morning." A

Lane
"Lane" is a nice word, but I think it should only be applied to two-way residential streets with lots of trees and endearingly asymmetrical chalked hopscotch squares on the sidewalks. And it can't be used in Los Angeles. There are no lanes in Los Angeles, unless you count Car Pool Lane. B-

Crescent
Now this is just trying too hard. "Crescent" is for city planners who find "cul-de-sac" too vulgar. What are they trying to evoke here? The silvery autumn moon? French pastries? A wrench? I don't know that I've ever seen a crescent-shaped street anyway. Aren't crescents supposed to be fatter in the middle? I think the word they're looking for is "Arc." D

Avenue
I generally think of Avenues as where you put the car dealerships. In fact, if I were designing a city, I'd just stick "Car Dealership Avenue" near a major freeway and that way everyone would know where to go for Crazy No-Down-Payment Dealin' Days without having to use Mapquest. Maybe I'd divide it into "West Car Dealership Avenue" and "East Car Dealership Avenue" just to add a bit of challenge. C-

Street
I admire "street" precisely because it's so boring. "We're on Tyler Street. Don't get all worked up, it's just a street." It's an antidote to living in a society where, in an effort to make boring things sound interesting, words become less meaningful by the day. For instance, one would expect "Beanie Baby Headquarters" to indicate the place where Beanie Babies go to receive instructions and get debriefed, but judging from the signs on about two dozen local stores, it now just means "A place where one can buy Beanie Babies." A

ha ha

 

WEDDING TRADITIONS The Garter It's far too rare in this society that you find religious covenants in conjunction with the throwing of undergarments. Unless you're a Unitarian. The idea here is that whoever catches the garter is supposed to be the next guy to get married, but I'd say that having the most will and determination to snatch women's clothing out of the air is a good sign that you shouldn't give up sowing those wild oats just yet. B+ The Shoving of the Cake What's a lifelong commitment without a bit of slapstick? While we're at it, why not have the flower girl throw banana peels, hand the reception line cream pies to throw, and have the person performing the ceremony refer to the bridal couple as "youse guys"? D The Part Where You Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace It's very thoughtful of early wedding arrangers to provide a handy moment of suspense for Hollywood to take advantage of. In dramas, this is where the tragic lover reveals her true feelings, in comedies this is where the wacky mother-in-law to be delights the audience with a sassy outburst, and in science fiction...well, I can't remember any notable science fiction movie weddings, but there's room for something really great there. B- The Best Man Hey, any excuse to wear a tuxedo. Actually, these days it's about the only post-prom excuse to wear a tuxedo, unless you count being a British Secret Service agent at the Baccarat table. Plus you get to make a toast, which is fun as long as you don't screw up and call the groom beautiful and the bride lucky. A Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue Like a bride doesn't have enough to worry about without making sure her outfit rhymes. Handy wedding tip: assuming your gown itself is new, if you can borrow someone's old blue underwear and hit all the bases without endangering the wedding album. There used to be a bit on the end about "a silver sixpence in her shoe," but it's a good thing it died out in this country at least, because "Bicentennial Quarter" lacks panache. C << Previous Archive Next >>

Ha ha - more prodcucts. Korean one's

AUSTRALIAN SNACK FOODS

Pollywaffle
Hey, not bad. You'd think that American candy would have covered all reasonable permutations this side of fudge-dipped yak nougat, but they've somehow overlooked "Choc-coated marshmallow filled wafer," more's the pity. "Choc" in this case refers to something listed on the ingredient label as "compounded chocolate," which sounds like something you'd earn at the First Bank of Snackville but which is actually a combination of chocolate and things you normally would specifically request to be kept out of your chocolate. But hey, it's Pollywaffle! B+

Jaffas
More "choc," this time in the form of "choc-orange in a crisp shell." I couldn't figure out what made the orange aspect of this candy so odd until I realized that it tastes more or less like real oranges, which is a rarity in the world of snack foods. Anyway, the back of the package claims that if you laid all the Jaffas sold in one year end to end, "you'd eat your way from Darwin to Hobart." I can only assume these are the names of a lovable pair of talking dachshunds from a children's television show. C+

Tim Tam
One of the least disturbing of the items shipped to me, these are chocolate biscuits ("biscuits" being the Australian term for what we call "empty calories") coated in chocolate with some sort of chocolatey substance between them. Like most of these items, they seem to contain some sort of secret mega-sweet ingredient that makes my pancreas throb. I think it's called "cane sugar." Heaven knows I'm used to sweet stuff, but a few bites of these and I feel like I've been mugged by an Oompa-Loompa. B

Mint Slice
Whoa, hey! These are great! These are mint-chocolate cookies and -- I'm bordering on treason here -- they're better than the Thin Mints the Girl Scouts hawk. This is because they've managed to coax the minty goop from Junior Mints into immoral cohabitation with a cookie in a disreputable hotel of chocolate. I'd love to see what the people responsible for these things could do with Do-Si-Dos. A

Cherry Ripe
As if the words "Cherry Ripe" in big yellow lettering weren't enough, the package also explains that this candy bar contains "Ripe Juicy Cherries." I don't know if there was some scandal involving underripe cherry treats in Australia's history or if we're just supposed to admire their patience, but comes across as overcompensation either way. C-

Picnic
I was relieved to find out that this contains neither fried chicken nor potato salad. To the contrary, it's actually a pretty reasonable log o'candy, somewhat reminiscent of a 100 Grand Bar, except without being conveniently halved. More package fun: a suggestion that you "please dispose of empty package thoughtfully," which puts me in the mind of considering the motif of duality in the works of Gabriel Garcia Marquez while tossing the wrapper over your shoulder. B-