Only in America

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people   actually  said in court, word for word   , taken down
and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:   Are you  sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.




ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?

WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect  your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
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ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS:    He said,  'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is  Susan!
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both  do.
ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We  do.
ATTORNEY:  You  do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
_______________________  _______________



ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he  doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________



ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      Uh,  he's twenty-one.
________________________________________



ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you  shittin' me?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:       Yes..
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that  time?
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gettin'  laid!
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me?  Your Honour, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By  death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it  terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was  about medium height and had a  beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a  female?
WITNESS:  Guess.
_____________________________________



ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I  sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this  is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?
WITNESS:      All  my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
you
like to rephrase that?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go
to?
WITNESS:      Oral.
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ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the  time?
WITNESS:   No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Huh....are you  qualified to ask that  question?
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And the best for  last:
______________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood  pressure?
WITNESS:       No..
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for  breathing?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the  patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain  was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have  still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible  that he could have been alive and
practicing  law.